Sephy's Safe House
by Cmd1
Summary: What can drive the planet's heroes to seek refuge with their greatest enemy? Read and find out.


Sephy's Safehouse 

by Cmd1 

Author's Note: I bear no malice towards any character in FF7 (or any game for that matter), not even Cait Sith & Yuffie, so I implore you not to think that anything I've written was out of spite. 

Legal Note: All Square characters are property of Squaresoft. (As if they cared.) Ditto with anything else I mention. 

Prologue 

Nibelhiem-- Vincent loved reading his mail. Despite his gloomy disposition, he always felt an ego-gratifying lift from reading the many love letters sent to him by the countless women who admired him. He opened a pink envelope that smelt of flowers, and his face cringed with fear as he read the contents of the card that was enclosed. 

Cosmo Canyon-- Nanaki, a.k.a. Red XIII, sniffed at the pink envelope. Midgar Orchids I believe, the intelligent lion/wolf creature thought as he deftly carried the letter to a Cosmo Canyon citizen to open. Red knew who would send such a message; the question was what did this certain individual want. The helpful citizen opened the envelope and read the contents. Said citizen was surprised to see his beloved protector's eyes grow wide with terror as he recited the contents of the card. 

North Corel-- "Mail's here Daddy!" Marlene announced. The little girl walked into Barret's newly built house carrying several pieces of mail. The money Barret earned fighting monsters while mastering all the summons did his hometown a lot of good. "What we get Marlene?" the large man asked his adopted daughter. "Well, we got a letter saying we might have already won 10,000,000 gil, a letter saying you've been pre-approved for a MasterMateriaCard, hey look a letter from the flower lady." Marlene opened the letter and read the card out loud. "What's wrong Daddy? Why do you look so scared?" 

Rocket Town-- Cid grumbled angrily at the uncooperative VCR. The grizzled pilot had spent at least two hours trying to program the stupid thing. "Mail's here Captain!" Shera called. Cid grumbled and swiped the letters from Shera. "Lessee, airship insurance bill, thank you letter from the tobacco lobby, hate letter from some #*$@*!% loser named Lieberman, what the hell." Cid stopped at a perfumey pink envelope. Opening it, Cid pulled a white card. His cigarette dropped out of his mouth upon reading the card's message. "Oh #@$% no." was his only reply. 

The Story... 

The four heroes glumly sat at Cid's table. They all had received news that they prayed they would never again have to receive. Aeris was having another candlelight supper and they were invited. Cid, Barret, Red XIII, and Vincent loved Aeris and were thrilled that she was alive, but attending her candlelight suppers was another matter. First she insisted they wore, in their minds, ridiculous clothes, fancy suits for the men and a pretty ribbon for Red XIII. Second, they had sit through Cait Sith's moronic card tricks, while Aeris made last second preparations, last second defined as at least 15 minutes. Then there was there the actual supper itself, the food wasn't bad, pretty good actually, but it would be then when Aeris would force everyone into an awkward conversation about culture, art, or worse yet flowers. Worst of all, were those fruity parlor games she made them play afterwards. The quartet felt dirty just thinking about them. Of course they could say they were to busy or something but Aeris just didn't take no for an answer, and if they didn't show up, the persistent flower girl would simply send Cloud to fetch them. Yep, good ol' Cloud just can't say no to Aeris, or Tifa for that matter, (which if given contradicting orders, was extremely entertaining) and nobody wanted to resist the same guy whose limit break could transform a behemoth into a large pile of behemoth steaks. It was indeed grim for the four. 

"What the #&*$ are we gonna do?" Cid asked the others. Barret slammed his gunfist on the table, "Those damned suppuhs, no escapin' them." Vincent sadly nodded in agreement, "It seems that there's no way to elude Cloud. Somehow, he can find anyone anywhere on the planet and bring them to Aeris's accursed candle-light suppers." Red XIII's head snapped up, he had thought up of a plan to escape the horrors of Aeris's hated social event. "Then perhaps we shouldn't hide on the planet, rather within the planet." The others looked at Red XIII with their faces etched in confusion. "What do you mean?" asked Vincent. "To hide in the Northern Crater, of course." "The hell you talkin' about Red?" shouted Barret, "Dat's where Sepiroth lives." Red simply smiled, "Think about it, Sephiroth never gets invited to Aeris's parties. The question is why. Aeris to gentle-heated to carry a grudge, even towards the same man who tried to kill her." "So what's your $%^@*&% point?" Cid grunted. "My point is Sephiroth never gets invited because of Cloud. Cloud still fears the man even though he has ceased to be a threat." "What makes you so sure? Cloud had defeated Sephiroth." Vincent replied. "Quite simple, Vincent, remember when we went to Sephiroth's book signing in Midgar?" Cid smiled, "Oh yeah, Spike nearly pissed in his drawers when he went to get his @$%#$#@ book signed." Red nodded, "Our good friend Cloud obviously suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD." "But what about MARLENE?!" Barret stood up as yelled the one of his many familiar lines, "I don' wanna take her down dere!" "Leave it to me." Cid said with a wink and turned around, "Shera, get your ass over here." Shera immediately shot over to the room where the four had been conferring. "Yes, Captain?" she answered meekly. Cid scowl had transformed into a sickenly sweet smile, "Shera have I ever told you how much I appreciate all the wonderful work you've done around here." The four swore that they've never seen someone so delighted, or heard such a shrill delighted giggle. "Here, take these two Gold Tickets and this wad of Gil and GP, and you and Marlene go to the Gold Saucer and yourself a @#$&^$# great time." Cid said with the same sappy look on his face. Shera was ecstatic, if Cid wanted her to bring Marlene along with her it could mean only one thing, in her mind anyway. "Oh, Captain!" she squealed happily as she threw her arms around the crusty old pilot "Ack, let go woman, I just gave you some time off, geez." "Of course Captain." she winked as she went to retrieve the small girl from the backyard where she was playing. Cid turned around to see his companions trying their hardest not to laugh at the embarrassing scene, except for Vincent who retained his stoic composure, although Cid swore he saw the ex-Turk faintly smile. "Shut the #@$% up and let's go." the pilot spat at the others. 

"I shall send you to a dimension beyond your imagining, there I shall reign and you--" "Marge, there's a Bite Bug by my car keys." "HOMER! You've ruined my intimidating, final battle, speech." Sephiroth laughed heartily at the antics of his favorite show. He was interrupted by the obnoxious buzz of his newly installed doorbell that accompanied the new door he installed to keep unwanted guests out of the Northern Crater. He let those involved with his business affairs know when they could visit and this was not the time. Grabbing his masamune, an angry Sephiroth flew up to his door, and opened it to find four of his least favorite people on the planet looking at him with friendly expressions. "How dare you interrupt the Ultimesimpsons! For your sake, this had better be good!" Cid was the first to speak, "Uh.. Hiya Sephy how the @$#% ya doin, we just thought we'd drop by and visit for awhile." Sephiroth prepared to do his Odin impression. Sensing Sephiroth's less than enthusiastic attitude towards the quartet's faux casual visit, Vincent decided a more truthful approach to the situation was in order, "Please Sephiroth, we need to hide here for awhile, Aeris is holding another one of her accursed candlelight suppers and you're the only one who can give us the sanctuary we require." Sephiroth lowered the long sword with a look of confusion on his face, "Candle light supper?" The four were relieved that Vincent's plea had gotten them some headway with their former adversary. "May we come in?" asked Red XIII. "Oh very well, now hurry, I'm missing my show." 

Aeris was humming a happy tune as she carefully placed an impressive looking centerpiece on the banquet table. "Perfect!" she said as she measured the distance from the centerpiece to the edge of the table with her handy tape measure. The doorbell sounded to the opening notes of Eyes on Me. Just in time, the flower girl thought as she went to greet her guests. Opening her door, Aeris beamed when she saw her first guest, Cloud, smiling at her. Behind Cloud, much to Aeris's dismay, was Tifa. Both were dressed in formal attire, Cloud had on a white 3-piece suit, Tifa wore a light blue party dress. "Cloud, you look so handsome in that darling suit." Aeris than turned to Tifa, "Hey Tifa, nice to see you." "Thanks." Tifa said through a forced smile. Not sensing the tension between the two heroines, Cloud moseyed over to a nearby couch and sat down. "Say Aeris, who else is coming?" he asked. "Oh the usual, Barret, Cid, Red XIII, Vincent, Yuffie, Cait Sith, and the Turks." Cloud was satisfied by that answered, secretly glad that she never would invite Sephiroth. Cloud still had nightmares about Sephiroth controlling him. The doorbell chimed again and Aeris greeted Cait Sith. Cait Sith walked in holding a cardboard box marked 'MAGIC TRICKS.' Soon Yuffie came, complaining to Tifa about the dress Aeris insited she wore made her look like a 'freak.' "I think Red XIII, Barret, Cid and Vincent, like, forgot to come again." Yuffie said. The only reason the ninja girl came voluntarily was to see those four tough guys forced into a less than tough guy situation, which, to Yuffie, was pretty damn funny. "I'll get them, again." volunteered Cloud jumping from the couch. "Thank you Cloud. By the way Tifa would mind helping me in the kitchen." Aeris knew if Cloud was going out, Tifa would want to go with him, leaving the two time to be alone, and Aeris had no intention of that happening. "Yeah, Tifa you're a great cook." Cloud added enthusiastically. "Oh alright." Tifa sighed, she really wanted to go with Cloud, but she knew arguing with him would give Aeris an advantage in their struggle for the young man's affection. Cloud changed into his usual blue uniform and mounted his gold chocobo 'Gold.' "Hi-yo Gold, away." the spikey haired one yelled as he took off in his quest to find the truant party guests. "GAWD, what a dumbass." Yuffie muttered to Cait Sith. The toysaurus simply chuckled and nodded in agreement. 

"...and then I had to @#$%&*@ act out 'bunnies!'" Sephiroth listened as Cid was relating his personal horror story to the ex-megalomaniac. He had a bad feeling about letting these four jokers into his abode, but he was curious what was so horrible that it could scare the same men, and whatever Red XIII was, who fought WEAPONS, monsters, and himself, to seek refuge in his home. What could be so bad about a 'candlelight supper' he wondered. And he found out. After he finished watching the Ultimesimpson's, he demanded a very detailed explanation of Aeris's candlelight supper's and why the four would come all the way to the Northern Crater just to avoid attending. He was answered by stories of period costumes (when Aeris decided to have a theme supper), Cait Sith's "amazing" four queens card trick, conversations about Celene Dion, and an especially humiliating game of charades they played at the end of the last party. Sephiroth decided, after some inner debating, to let them stay. I doubt they'd do any harm and I suppose after what I've done to them in the past, I owe them that much, he rationalized. "You may stay, but God help you if you break anything." the silver haired man told his guests. Cid and Barret decided to watch TV, Vincent saw a computer game that piqued his interest, SIN, and decided to play it. Leaving Red XIII, with nothing to do. "Come with me." Sephiroth ordered the guardian of Cosmo Canyon. Sephiroth lead his guest to a room hidden deep within the depths of the Northern Crater. What was inside was a room that seemed to contradict Nanaki's image of the ex-SOLDIER. 

Yuffie yawned in boredom, Tifa and Aeris were busy in the kitchen, so the young materia hunter couldn't instigate another physical battle between the two over Cloud, an always dependable source of entertainment for Yuffie. All she had to deal with was a dormant Cait Sith, and he wasn't much fun. Yuffie was about to take a nap, when the doorbell chimed in that annoying tune. "Yuffie, please get the door." called Aeris. Yuffie groaned as she got up to answer the door. 'It's the Turk's,' Yuffie thought as she opened the door, 'There's the drunk guy, the bald guy, the blonde chick, the long haired dead guy... Long haired dead guy?' "AIEEEEEEE!" Tifa and Aeris popped out of the kitchen to see what Yuffie was screaming about. The two gasped when they saw that the Turk's "late" leader, Tseng, was smiling back at them. "Elena found the special wishing materia in Bone Village, and brought Tseng back." Reno said, answering the obvious questions. "Well I'm glad you all made it, and without Cloud to remind you this time." Aeris responded. "That's because Tseng made us come." Rude said quietly. Fortunately only Reno heard him. 

"This laboratory is very impressive, Sephiroth." Red XIII commented, "I had no idea you were so interested in the art of science." "I've been interested in science for a long time, but my SOLDIER career and my insanity, got in the way. Never been quite sure why I like it so much though." Sephiroth responded. Red XIII had a feeling why, but wisely decided not to say anything about it. "Anyways, I thought you'd be of some assistance in my latest project." "What would that be?" "I'm trying to expand the signals Shinra Inc. had been getting from a distant planet." "Signals from a distant planet?" Red found this extremely interesting. "Yes, so far all they've gotten was the Dukes of Hazzard, the Jerry Springer show, and contemporary pop music." "Is that where those came from?" Red XIII wondered if Sephiroth was a sane as he claimed. "And you want to continue to receive these signals?" "Well, I theorized that if the people of this world were intelligent enough create these signals, surely there has to be something more than the crap Shinra's entertainment division had been getting." "A plausible theory. So what do you need me to do?" "Well what I need you to do is..." 

"Hey Terrence I have to fart." *FART* "Oh you farted." "Heh-Heh I've never realized cartoons could be this @&$#%!* entertaining" Cid laughed while he and Barret watched a video tape labeled 'Signal from location {127,252,183} CodeName: SP -- Tape: 106' The two mistook the oddly named tape for some shows that they've never seen before. "We need to find out how Sephy got a hold of this good sh--" "Shuddup' foo, Terrence iz gonna fart on Phillip's head again." And Terrence did fart on Phillip again. "You're such an asshole, Terrence" laughed Phillip. "You're right I am." laughed Terrence. The two foulmouthed cartoons and the two foulmouthed heroes all laughed themselves silly. 

Vincent found himself enraptured in what was, to him, a parallel to his own a life. He was in the world of SIN, playing the role of the lone law enforcer battling a mad scientist and her vicious legions of mutants. "It's as if they saw my life and dreams and encased them in a silver disc." he said while gunning down a virtual mutant. Of course what in encased in the disc, was a little less violent, and sounded like Cid on a good day, but still Vincent felt a kinship with the game's hero John Blade. "Soon, Hojo, err... Sinclaire your empire of sin and evil shall crumble at the hands of good." the ex-Turk droned in a hypnotized tone. As he sent a trio of SinTEK security guards to their virtual maker. 

Cloud sighed unhappily, he looked all over the planet and the truant party guests were nowhere to be found. He thought, he was close, when he ran into Shera and Marlene at the Gold Saucer, but Cid had only sent Shera there with the young girl, for, in Shera's words, special training. Cloud had no idea what that meant, but the point was his friends weren't there or anywhere else he could think of. 'Aeris is going to be so disappointed' Cloud sadly thought as he reached into his inventory to get some greens for Gold. Pulling out the greens, Cloud accidentally also pulled out his autographed copy of "I Was Crazy and Wanted To Kill Everyone" Sephiroth's autobiography. After feeding Gold, Cloud read the message inscribed by the man who scared the normally courageous spiky haired hero, "To Cloud: Sorry about the crap I put you through. No hard feelings? --Sephiroth." Cloud finally realized something, Sephiroth wouldn't hurt him or control him again, that was JENOVA, and JENOVA was dead. "If I bring Sephiroth, to Aeris's supper she'll be so happy I've gotten over my Sephiphobia, she'll forget about the others, and Tifa will also be so proud of me." Excited at the possibilities, Cloud jumped on Gold and sped towards the Northern Crater. 

"How could such an advanced civilization produce such monstrosities?" Red XIII wondered as he and Sephiroth watched another one the distant planet's television shows. "Let me adjust the frequency receiver, there has to be something a little more intelligent than these 'prime-time' shows." Sephiroth responded while fiddling with some knobs on the console. "Time for Teletubbies, Time for Teletubbies." "My god this the worst one yet! What the hell is wrong with these people?" Sephiroth and Red XIII watched the monitor at what both agreed was the most disturbing thing they had ever laid their eyes on. Suddenly Cid burst into the lab. "Hey Seph, where'd you find these shows, I have DirectTV and I can't find this... what the #*&$ is that!?" Cid stared in horror at the four bizarre creatures prancing around while a sun with a baby's head laughed, in the monitor. Eventually Barret came in to find out what was taking Cid so long and he two was caught in the horrifying spell that comes from watching such a ghastly display. Vincent was still playing SIN, now trying to navigate the undersea tunnels. With the five caught up in their respective trances nobody realized the doorbell was buzzing. 

Cloud groaned as no one answered the door. He was so looking forward to proving to Aeris and Tifa he no longer feared Sephiroth, and Sephiroth isn't around. "Just my luck." Cloud griped as leaned against the door. Somehow Cloud managed to open the door and fell into the Sephiroth's domain. After he picked himself up, Cloud noticed what sounded like someone playing a shooting game and squeaky voices blurting out some sort of nonsense. Curious, Cloud went to have a look. Finally he came upon Vincent, enchanted by a computer game. "Hey Vinny." Cloud lightly shook Vincent back to reality. "Cloud, what are you doing here?" "I was looking for you guys. Where's Sephiroth." "Uhh. I think there somewhere over there." Vincent pointed over in a general direction, a little shocked at seeing Cloud. The other four came out of Sephiroth's lab discussing what they've just seen. "Man, that was the weirdest piece of crap I've ever seen." Cid told the others. "What da hell ya tryin to do Seph? Prove dat other planet's suck more dan ours?" Barret added. Sephiroth was about to give an answer when the four notice an additional figure next to a surprised Vincent. "So that where you guys were. This is my lucky day." Cloud exclaimed happily. "You're all late for Aeris's candlelight supper." The three heroes groaned, the jig was up. Cloud had gotten over his PTSD. "Why don't you come too Seph." Cloud cheerfuly offered to his former arch-nemesis. "But I wasn't invited." "You are now." Cloud, once again in his white suit, burst through the door to Aeris's house, interrupting Cait Sith's magic ball trick. "Hey everybody, I'm back, and what do you know, Tseng's alive." "GAWD, about time you showed up, I couldn't sit through another one of Cait's magic tricks." Yuffie yelled. "Hey, there's nothing wrong my magic tricks." "Shut up, you stupid cat thing." Elena groaned. Aeris and Tifa came out to greet Cloud. "Did you find everyone alright." Aeris asked. "I sure did and even brought an extra guest." Cloud proudly answered. The party goers were shocked to see Cloud pull a well dressed Sephiroth to the doorway after the well dressed Cid, Barret, and Vincent, along with a ribbon wearing Red XIII reluctantly filed in. Aeris and Tifa decided to congratulate Cloud overcoming his fear by simultaneously throwing themselves on him smacking in to each other providing the highlight of the evening. Aeris picked herself up and smiled at Sephiroth. "I'm certainly glad you decided to come, I'm sure you'll have lots of fun tonight." Sephiroth just politely nodded while thinking, 'Somehow I don't think so.' 

The Northern Crater, Six weeks later-- Sephiroth was opening his mail, using a miniature masamune as a letter opener. He sorted through the checks, bills, fan mail, when he came across a small pink envelope that smell like flowers. He opened the envelope and read the card. "Dear Mr. Sephiroth, you are cordially invited to attend a candlelight supper at Miss Aeris Gainsborough's residence. Formal wear is required." "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" 

The End(?) 

Additional Notes SIN is a real computer game about a future world where a cop, named, is trying to stop an evil scientist/CEO, named Elexis Sinclaire, trying to do bad stuff like nuking things and mutating people. I thought this would be something that Vincent could relate to with Hojo and Shinra. 

Since Sephiroth's biological parents were both scientists I figured him being sane and all would have a desire to go in that field. 

I hope you all enjoy my tale, send me an e-mail at c_delisio@hotmail.com and tell me what you think. 


End file.
